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The City Dwelling Gunner
In the hostile spaces between concrete monoliths resides one unlikely species with an unflinching determination to survive. Possessing skillful training and weaponry, while employing the full scope of its cunning, this creature moves undetected through the perilous byways of its natural habitat. Its cautious demeanor and keen senses help it navigate undetected as it forages for food and performs complex mating rituals, which are still largely a mystery to science. With the help of some dedicated organizations like the National Rifle Association however, these reclusive beasts are finally being lured out of hiding in order to receive the study and research they deserve.
The City Dwelling Gunner (Urbanus Protectoris) was long thought to be extinct in North America since roughly the 1950’s, having been largely replaced by a much more timid and poorly armed City Dweller (Urbanus Victimus). The City Gunner was being forced from its domain in record numbers in the 1980’s and 90’s due mostly to propagation of misinformation, and repeated attempts by the government and politicians to eliminate this majestic creature. But a serge in the number of natural predators, including the crackhead, the murderous psychopath and the bumbling greedy idiot thief, has made the survival of the City Dwelling Gunner more important than ever, lest the delicate balance of the eco-system be upset. Scientists and firearms advocates alike were delighted to find that, contrary to the popular belief that the City Dwelling Gunner population had been decimated, there are actually several thriving colonies around the country. Experts credit the species’ plucky resilience and the Internet for the colonies’ existence.
Conservation efforts for these remaining individuals continue in full force despite the numerous challenges to identifying Gunners and increasing their numbers. Part of the difficulty lies in discovering the Gunners amid a back drop of non-descript Sheeple City Dwellers. The City Gunners are masters of disguise, frequently employing such tactics as wearing skinny jeans, driving a Toyota Prius shopping at Ikea or even consuming soy-based coffee drinks. While these measures may seem extreme, they can mean the difference between safety and peril in the Gunner’s world. As long as the Gunner can stay camouflaged, he is not thought to be a threat and thus, can go about his business in peace. If provoked however, the Gunner’s defense is legendary and he will not hesitate to protect himself or those around him. Many predators, like the crackhead and the bumbling greedy idiot thief can frequently be deterred by a menacing display of shouting and arm waving. Some more dangerous adversaries, like the murderous psychopath, can only be stopped by employing the Gunner’s greatest defense, his firearm, though this is a last resort.
In these troubled times, there is an urgent imperative to save the City Dwelling Gunner. The call has gone out to other Gunners around the country to stand in solidarity with their odd-looking brethren in their time of struggle. Though their appearance and mode of communication may seem strange at best, the survival of the City Dwelling Gunner is paramount. It is also important that the City Dwelling Sheeple realize the importance of preserving and co-existing with the Gunner, since he is a valuable asset to the community. It is apparent that a campaign to educate the Whole Foods-shopping masses is necessary, so that hopefully, one day soon, the safety and longevity of these benevolent creatures will be assured.